An evening a few weeks ago but still contained within the world remade by COVID-19, I walked the empty streets of my suburban Pennsylvania town thinking about the new doses of stress and anxiety infiltrating otherwise mundane existences. As a Family Law attorney, I am no stranger to the overwhelming uncertainty my clients face as they feel like their lives are being upended by a divorce or custody battle. Through years of tough conversations, I’ve found that one simple piece of advice always anchors my guidance: do the right thing.
While we are each experiencing a radical change in the way our own worlds work and might feel a bit unmoored from the lives we thought we knew, I hope that some of the lessons I’ve learned from my years of practice can help you do the right thing too.
Go Long
Even though I’m no Carson Wentz, I find myself most often encouraging my clients to go long in weighing the consequences of various decisions. Whether people are going through a divorce or dealing with an ex-spouse, I frequently field questions and concerns like:
- Should I make this acquisition or change in my business? If I make more money, I will owe more to my spouse.
- I have this great opportunity to go back to work, but my support will go down?
- Today I was offered a great promotion, but I am concerned that this will increase my support obligation.
All decisions have short and long term consequences. While it can be difficult in the face immediate anxieties or needs, considering the long-term implications of decisions is especially important in times of crisis. A boon for your business or a new opportunity at work will give your family greater economic stability farther into the future. Whether clients can imagine it from the eye of their personal storm, their divorce and support obligations will eventually be over. They will reap the benefits of these positive long-term decisions for the rest of their lives.
Keep the Kids Out of It
This advice holds far beyond the new operating rules of the home office. When it comes to your divorce, custody, or support case, your children do not want to know the details. From five years to twenty-five years old, no child wants to feel like they must take sides. This advice can be especially hard with older children, where the temptation to “explain your side” can be the hardest to resist.
Over my years of experience, including with my own five children, I have come to the conclusion that all kids are smart and resilient. They will make their own decisions about everything, including their parents. Over the course of their lives, your kids will decide who they stay with when they are home from college, who to call on birthdays and special occasions, and whether they want to go on a family vacation with you. Their decisions about these positive moments in their development will be based on what they’ve learned from watching you and your spouse behave during the negative or difficult times.
Every parent ultimately hopes to have a positive relationship with their child. Don’t let bad judgement now ruin bonds for years to come.
Be Transparent
Nine times out of ten, a client at one point or another will pose some version of the same question: “do we have to tell my spouse about…?” Divorce can bring out strong and sometimes overwhelming feels of suspicion, distrust, and hostility. These emotions are only made worse by attempts to deceive or omit the truth from the process. The best weapon we all have in making proceedings as survivable as possible is transparency.
Deception also tends to come at price beyond the emotional toll. Realistically, hiding anything from your spouse is next to impossible. If you look hard enough, there is a record somewhere of every financial transaction that we engage in over the course of a marriage, even the Uber ride to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s house. When one party goes out of their way to hide certain items or forgo transparency, the additional motions with the court needed to uncover information and the additional attorneys’ fees paid to file can run up an even bigger price tag quickly. The failure of a full and fair disclosure can even land clients back in court after their divorce is complete for a re-opening of the decree or settlement.
While the truth might not always be the most pleasant in the present, the cost of hiding it will always outweigh any benefit you might gain from trying.
Practice Practicality
There are no winners in Family Law cases. If you’ve gained else from this article, remember that simple truth. Family Law is practice of compromises and as with any good compromise, both parties should leave feeling like they lost.
When confronted with feelings of unfairness, clients will frequently escalate by requesting we “go to court.” I love being in court. I’m more than happy to pack up my briefcase and head downtown. However, like any good attorney, I know it’s my job to inject a dose of practicality to the situation. Simply put, court is expensive, and no one leaves with a complete victory. Court is not often in the best interest of the client, but compromise frequently is.
While it is difficult to have these practical discussions with your client, it is in their best interest to do so prior to going to court. You are better hearing some of these popular refrains from your lawyer before-hand than learning them with an added bill from a lecture from a judge:
- “It is in the best interest of your children to have shared custody with your spouse.”
- “Yes, you do in fact have to buy your spouse out of the business that you built.”
- “Alimony is indeed reasonable in this situation.”
- “You do have to go back to work, and you do have an earning capacity.”
Doing the right thing is not always easy. In times of crisis, both personal and of pandemic proportions, it can feel impossible. If you are not sure what is the right thing in your case, call me off the clock, and we can discuss it.
